Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You Might Also Like
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.