PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.