Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
You Might Also Like
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket