Pee pressure > peer pressure
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Siri: Retweet me.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.