Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it