Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.


[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour


I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.


You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.


Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]


Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-storm drains
-the street
-little girls
-the prom


Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.