@timdonakowski

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

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@shutupmikeginn

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

@rockymomax

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

@Stellacopter

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

@DairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

@NINETIREDBUGS

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.