@squirrel74wkgn I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
@josephknuckles *peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@fro_vo “Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
@Bob_Janke Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
@That_Damn_Duck She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
@yogaknifefight Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
@DrunjAF …and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
@Reverend_Scott Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
@KalvinMacleod 911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
@dubstep4dads that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
@pleatedjeans Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you