*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.


“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*


Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”


She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”


…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”


Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out


911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza


I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest


that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute


Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you