*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops