@josephknuckles

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

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@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

@fro_vo

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

@Bob_Janke

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

@That_Damn_Duck

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

@DrunjAF

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

@Reverend_Scott

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@pleatedjeans

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you