*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.