*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Xylophonist Shredding It
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
the icebreaker
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
This one’s “Alex”.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.