Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You Might Also Like
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
🤣😈🤣
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….