[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”