*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
How I like cutting carbs
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-