Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My patience has stretch marks.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?