Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me