Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?