Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Meow
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Today’s Times
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.