[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
You Might Also Like
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation