Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan