“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
the noise i just made