[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.