Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.