Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You Might Also Like
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire