People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
So creative 😂
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands