people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Sing it!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one