People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Peace was never an option
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what