@eleniZarro

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

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@TheAndrewNadeau

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

@clichedout

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

@TheBoydP

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

@Trisarahjtops

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@QueenVofCoffee

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@mjkspeaks

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?