People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”