DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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WHO DID THIS?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.
Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.