Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

look scared

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Friends that check up on you >

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*