People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Skills
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery