People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”