People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.


Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back


I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.


I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”


No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.


If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.


Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant


Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!


*our eyes lock and we kiss*


For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*


Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes