@aka_fatman

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

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@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

@BeTheCookie

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@schumoo

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@Tmoney68

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

@beccafacexo

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@PeaceInTruth1

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

@Browtweaten

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT