people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.