people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?