People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
a lot to unpack here
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.