People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You Might Also Like
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
What about second breakfast?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?