Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

😝

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

his wife is probably gonna see that

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.