People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
It’s an epidemic…
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?