People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The closest thing I鈥檝e had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
me adding lol on a serious message
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Worth remembering.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Everyone hates millennials until it鈥檚 time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.