People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.