People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
happy valentine’s day to me
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
bro what is going on at twitter
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.