People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You Might Also Like
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]