People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin