@katiefzack
@Browtweaten wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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@Browtweaten 
@DavidAdt1 Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
@BatBatshitcrazy Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
@AimeeHelene1 This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
@Cheeseboy22 Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
@Bob_Janke This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
@markydoodoo Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
@aveuaskew Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
@Cryptoterra We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
@roggyie When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.