wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.