@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

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@Browtweaten

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

@DavidAdt1

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@Cryptoterra

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

@roggyie

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.