People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You Might Also Like
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
multitasking lunch
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.