people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.