Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.