People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
#Caturday
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.