People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Smile they said.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?