People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office