People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
❤️❤️❤️
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.