People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The French word for sex is croissant.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
馃槀馃惥
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don鈥檛 want to have them.
5: I don鈥檛 want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They鈥檙e a lot of work.
Me: Then why don鈥檛 you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[on a date]
him: I hope you鈥檙e a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they鈥檙e finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Her: I鈥檒l bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.