people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
✌🏽
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I missed you with all my darts
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Mhm.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck