@its_me_your_mom

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

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@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@BuckyIsotope

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@sarousti

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

@RiotGrlErin

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.