This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
Hurt myself playing football
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.