people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die



“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.