People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Dietest Coke
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop