@SirEviscerate

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

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@smithsara79

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

@KentWGraham

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.