People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”